My cousin Died a few years ago in a car crash, it was and still is the most horrible thing my family have gone through, I'd already moved and been gone a while when it happened and it felt like I was standing on the outside of a house or horrors watching everybody inside having their world torn apart and not being able to join them, to comfort or be comforted.
I wish,and I know they wish, that we could all have been together for each other at the time, but having many miles between us and my own family to look after meant being there would be impossible.
We were able to all go to the funeral, she was buried in April, balloons and (i think) doves were released for in memorium for her.
The day after it we woke to a thick layer of snow, snow in April, it kind of made it beautiful, in a strange way, if you believe in things like it you would have thought she had made it happen.
I wish I had, that we had been able to know her better, i left when she was 14 i think and she was 19 when she died, I wish we didn't have to live and die so far away from each other.. sometimes being a family man can make you feel like no man at all when you have so much family to love and no way of sharing or showing.
I've changed since the crash, become more morbid. I think that's the right word, I worry now too much if anybody goes anywhere by car, and I know Emma is sick of me always saying " text me when you get there and when you on way home" and I'm sick of saying it, I wish I could just stop, and I've tried, I've purposefully not reminded her to do it and when she has forgotten off her own back I try not text and remind her to, but it id so so difficult, this is the first time I've put into words how it makes me feel when I don't hear from Emma, or whoever it is I've asked to text.
I feel useless, I feel hot and sick and dizzy, I feel like crying and screaming I feel angry and empty at the same time.
Doctors would probably say its an anxiety attack, and I just need to learn to trust that the chances of something happing are so low its barley there and I know this to be true, but its like a gremlin inside me just waiting to pounce. and when they text comes just that one word with a kiss "here x " I cry, actually cry, with relief and with anger at myself for letting me get like that, for allowing me to ruin Emmas night by constantly checking up on her, i know she knows why I do it, she understand me but I'm not sure she knows how it effects me, I just apologise and tell her I'm a dick. she good humouredly agrees.
She puts up with a lot she does, I couldn't ever do without her.
No comments:
Post a Comment